They made me a manager

and something about horses and family

Hi friends,

In April last year my manager asked me if I wanted to be a manager. I said yes, not because I really wanted to be a manager, but because I was deeply tired of my job at the time. Being a manager is ok, I am still learning how to do it well and in a way true to me but I stopped making anything or sharing anything which I have been sad about.

In December I bought a sketchbook, cleaned up my desk and organised my pencils.

The pencil on the right was my mums. I don’t really like drawing with tiny pencils but my mum was quite frugal and this pencil reminds me of that, and of her, so I keep it around.

The only way I can start drawing again after a long gap is in a very vague, idle, non committal way which I would describe a forced doodling. I never feel like it but I make myself. So I started drawing horses. Probably because everyone is talking about the year of the horse, but also because Christmas is a time I think about the family I miss, and they are closely connected to horses in my mind.

Quickly from photos

Confusing dog/pig like horses from my mind

I have written previously about my great great grandmother Rachel Curl (here and here) who died by suicide in 1902. Lately I have been wondering, how do we carry difficult family histories, can they be made new or transformed. I don’t know the answer but I have a whole pinterest board dedicated to a fantasy world in which Rachel Curl is a Victorian performer of some kind.

Something like this

I ended up drawing this.

This started with the horse, then I was bored and start shading the page, then I added Rachel Curl asleep in the asylum dreaming of a horse and the moon

I have been wanting to cut out a horse from fabric and sew it onto something for a while. I have also been wanting to make a flag type thing. So I made this out of some scraps of fabric, which I guess is a wish back into the past for Rachel Curl to have a horse and a different life.

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See below some bonus childhood/family horse related pics.

Me on a horse in the 1980s, no idea whose horse this was

Me with Amber and her family horses who I loved and was terrified of

My grandma Gwen and friend having a fine old time probably in the 1980s ish

Outside the Brundish Crown waiting for the hunt to arrive in the 80s. Left to right, Grandma Gwen, Great Uncle Paul, Johnny Stammers (I think, not 100% sure but if so he was also the local grave digger), my mum, and the edge of my hair. Gwen liked the hunt because they visited her pub and were so drunk she could put up the prices

I will keep doodling horses and hope to be back soon…